The Exit Plan

One of my early organising jobs was helping someone organise her husband’s things after she had moved into a new house.

It was a couple of years after his tragic and very sudden death, and she just didn’t know how to manage or let go of the things that represented his life. It was my first introduction into how complex it is to face what we must face when someone close to us dies.

Since then, I have helped clients deal with deaths in all sorts of circumstances. In some cases, their affairs have been left in good order. The next step is to help the bereaved person understand where this leaves them and how to move forward. Other situations are chaotic, confusing, unexpected, highly emotional and stressful. 

The one thing that feels completely overwhelming is the admin and paperwork that surrounds any death. It starts with what needs to be taken to register a death (there is more information than you can imagine!); then there is the detail that needs to be provided to apply for probate. This can become even more complex if the person’s Will is missing (60% of people in the UK do not have one!), or if there is a requirement to pay Inheritance Tax (IHT). The percentage of people who are liable to pay IHT rose 16% between 2020-2021 (source: gov.uk), so this is becoming a more common problem due to the increase in the value of people’s homes.

My own experience of dealing with my father’s death has only underlined how putting one’s affairs in order is one of the greatest acts of love you can show to your loved ones. My father was unusual in the fact that he worked very hard to include us and work with us to get organised in the final couple of years of his life. It wasn’t perfect but, as we worked through dealing with his death, his memorial arrangements and clearing his flat, I will be forever grateful that I was able to find documents, knew who to contact and where all his financial accounts were. The difference was vast when I compare it with one client whose husband died with hundreds of stock papers, several bank accounts, no solicitor and no accountant. His wife had been kept completely in the dark about his affairs.

The other element is dealing with someone’s stuff. Family items are wrapped in sentimental and emotional value – resonating with different members of the family. Some items can be of high value; some are just happy memories. I have experienced situations with no directives through to comprehensive inventories itemising and allocating everything. Whatever is left, the propensity for families falling out is very high! In successful situations, the key thing has been communication.  Sitting down and talking about how things are organised, and what someone’s wishes are, might feel uncomfortable – morbid even – but the result is a less stressful and angst-ridden experience of clearing someone’s things.

I remember a situation early in my working life where my boss said to his department during a tricky period in the business: “Just in case I get hit by a bus…” Having journeyed alongside my clients when death has come to their loved ones, I could see how important it was to prepare for this scenario. Whenever I go away, I always check that, if anything should happen, I have made it as easy as possible for my family to administer my affairs.

There are also so many positives that can come out of someone’s death. For instance, my sister and I had two very different relationships with our father. However, we were both executors in his estate and – because of the time we had spent talking with him before he died – we were able to work together, getting things in place, in time. The most precious thing turned out to be going through his personal effects. We shared our memories, our stories and our experiences with him – reliving happy and sad times, which helped to create a more rounded portrait of the man he was. It helped heal wounds and highlighted the best of the relationship we had with him. Without taking the time to plan, I fear it would have been a very unhappy experience.